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I just finished putting Gabby's project video on a flash drive for her to take to school. I am so proud of this video she did because it shows her heart. Ya know how sometimes, we show people, especially the ones we love the most, our not so wonderful selves. Well that has been going on in our home for quite some time now and it has gotten a little worse since the news which we received nearly a month ago. It's so weird because the kids & I were saying the other day that it seems like forever and yet it doesn't. Time is a funny thing. Anyway, I get offtrack sometimes. This video was done as an assignment for Gabby's Language Arts Class. She was to share her favorite educational experience. It was to be a creative response using any media source she could utilize. I've uploaded it to YouTube to share with all of you. Watch for yourself to see why Adam & I are so proud of her.
Music: write a song
Poster: design a poster
Essay: write an essay
Video: create a video.
Today I have been struggling with some extra pain. The doctor said that with the removal of the estrogen my cycle might be 'a little more' than usual. This is proving to be right because I don't usually get low back pain for this reason so I'm asking for prayer for the pain to cease. It was more difficult lifting Sadie up today than it has been, which was frustrating for both of us. The low back pain didn't seem to respond to the pain medication much so I call on Jesus to bring the pain under control and bring healing so I can get a peaceful & restful sleep. To keep my mind off of the pain, I worked on finishing the editing of Gabby's project.
I was fairly frustrated for the lack of speed with which U of M has made my Second Opinion appointment. I am trying to remember that everything happens for a reason & I need to be patient for God's timing. I am a little confused as to whether we should continue pursuing U of M or whether we should seek another facility. I am also wondering whether they will all treat me the same way because I am already on a treatment plan. That is the frustrating part because I want answers and to get whatever other tests done as soon as possible for there to be answers but perhaps that is just it...maybe I think that I will get a different set of answers. Ones that I like better perhaps. Ones that don't show that it is in my bones. But if it is not in my bones, then why the pain. Because the pain has been real in these areas that were mentioned to have been affected by the cancer. Maybe I have not accepted this as much as I thought. Maybe I am just hopeful. Either way, I know that God can change it all. He spoke the world into existence. He can speak healing and new life into my body and my cells. He is able! So as I wait for the video to finish uploading to YouTube, I listen to some beautiful worship music and I wait on the Lord to renew my strength. I will spend the next several minutes reading His word and listen for him to speak to me and comfort me. To kick out all the fear. There is not room in my mind or my life for fear. It does NOT come from the Great I AM! It is not welcomed in my life! As I wrote this I was feeling like a disappointment to God and to others because I am not happy with the long wait for an appointment despite my faith that God is in control and perhaps this is part of his plan to either guide us to another place or because he wants for us to have some time before they do any other tests to see that the current treatment is working. I don't know...and that's why I feel upset and as though I am letting God and others down. I know it's not really how God feels nor how others feel either...I KNOW this. However, that doubt crept in. Here is an excerpt from my devotion today that is speaking to me and allowed me to cry out (literally cry) to my Heavenly Father just like I would my own Pappy when I am upset or afraid or doubtful.
The Light of My Love shines on you continually, regardless of your feelings or behavior. Your responsibility is to be receptive to this unconditional Love. Thankfulness and trust are your primary receptors. Thank Me for everything: trust in Me at all times. These simple disciplines will keep you open to My loving Presence.
Ephesians 2:8-9 For by grace you have been saved through faith - and this not from yourselves, it is a gift of God. not by works, so that no one can boast.
Ephesians 3:16-21 I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ. and to know this love that surpasses knowledge - that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever Amen.
Psalm 62:8 Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge.
Psalm 19:14 May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight O Lord, my Rock and my Redeemer.
Let me explain something about the devotion. First, I just mentioned that I felt like a failure to God & others because my emotions are taking over today. I find that on days that the pain is increased, it is more difficult for me to keep my eyes fixed on Jesus. I need extra prayers being lifted up on my behalf, not just for the pain to go away but for me to stay focused on Christ. It is so amazing how God doesn't measure his love for us on how we're feeling or behaving. He gives us Agape love, an unconditional love, no matter what! And with all this cancer stuff they do tests to find out what kind of receptors it has so they know what they can use to treat it, what is likely to respond. When I read that thankfulness and trust are my primary receptors it resonated with me because of all the receptor talk I've been hearing & reading as I try to educate myself. As for the verses right from God's word, well, if you watched Gabby's video already, you know that she mentioned that it isn't anything that we can do on our own to be in God's holy presence. And so I am reminded again that it is not ME but it is GOD within me to help me get through this. Isn't it fascinating that Christ's love for each one of us isn't just wide, it is wide and long and high and deep! Who else has that kind of love for us? As much as I love my children, and would die to save their lives, I still don't have THAT much love like Christ does. Wow! And I am to Trust in him at all times. Even when I don't get an appointment when I want. I am to trust him, even when I hurt, even when I don't think that I can...just DO IT! Trust Him, for his is my refuge. He is my shelter, my protection from danger, my safety. He will take care of me & keep me from trouble.
So my prayer tonight is not just to claim my refuge in Christ but that the words that come from my mouth and from my heart will be pleasing to the One who holds me closely no matter what I do or say. Even though I know with all my being that no matter my feelings and behavior don't change the way he feels about me, I want to be His light to others in this dark world that is constantly seeking love. Please know that Jesus loves you! Yes, you, the very one reading this message. He loves you & wants you to come to Him.