Tonight as I sit at my computer desk I feel as though my back is slightly sore like it used to be but I don't feel overly tired, in pain, nor anxious as if the diagnosis I got is not affecting me. My spirits are up. I am hopeful & in a good frame of mind right now. My children are sleeping, my husband has crashed on the couch (as usual after a long work week) and I am messing on the computer. All seems fairly normal and then I am reminded that it is not at all the same as it was just a few weeks ago. This whirlwind of events has happened so suddenly, quickly & invading my usual 'normal' life that I feel it should be a bad movie that I just decide to turn off my tv. It reminds me of the feelings I had when we received a call about 3 years ago stating that my sister's husband had died. When that call came I kept hoping that it was a mix up of information & that he had only been hurt but that was not the case. My family has not been lacking in the grief and troubled times. And the bible tells us that even when we are children of God, we will face challenges. We need to remember that God shows himself to be loving & faithful, full of grace & mercy in the days, weeks, months & years to come. He's always with us.
Today I had the opportunity to hang out with a dear friend of mine. Our children played together so nicely & we had the time to sit and chat. We talked some about my diagnosis and about our families, marriage, hopes etc. It was a much needed escape away from sitting in my own home & trying to make sense of the news that the cancer has invaded my bones. She shared a verse that I have quoted & used as I trained for my first 5K race. One that has helped me keep going to get through some rough patches in life & will help me again.
"Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." James 1:2-4 (NIV)
How appropriate and perfect for this event in my life. I need to persevere and fight so that I may be mature and not lacking. I know there will be times when my flesh, my human nature wants to give in but that is why I have asked so many to keep us in prayer. Prayer of healing, prayer that the devil will not invade our thoughts & make us fearful. While teaching in the children church at our church, I learned that in the Bible God tells us to not be afraid 365 times. That is 1 "do not be afraid" per day. Must be pretty important & needed for God to mention it that many times in the bible. We are to trust God with all our heart, we are to not be fearful. Fear is the choice mechanism the devil uses. We all have fears and he knows how to make us even more fearful than we might already be if we allow him to get in our heads. So I have been praying & reading God's word to keep the fear at bay.
1The Lord is my light and my salvation—
whom shall I fear?
The Lord is the stronghold of my life—
of whom shall I be afraid?
2When the wicked advance against me
to devoura me,
it is my enemies and my foes
who will stumble and fall.
3Though an army besiege me,
my heart will not fear;
though war break out against me,
even then I will be confident.
4One thing I ask from the Lord,
this only do I seek:
that I may dwell in the house of the Lord
all the days of my life,
to gaze on the beauty of the Lord
and to seek him in his temple.
5For in the day of trouble
he will keep me safe in his dwelling;
he will hide me in the shelter of his sacred tent
and set me high upon a rock.
6Then my head will be exalted
above the enemies who surround me;
at his sacred tent I will sacrifice with shouts of joy;
I will sing and make music to the Lord.
7Hear my voice when I call, Lord;
be merciful to me and answer me.
8My heart says of you, “Seek his face!”
Your face, Lord, I will seek.
9Do not hide your face from me,
do not turn your servant away in anger;
you have been my helper.
Do not reject me or forsake me,
God my Savior.
10Though my father and mother forsake me,
the Lord will receive me.
11Teach me your way, Lord;
lead me in a straight path
because of my oppressors.
12Do not turn me over to the desire of my foes,
for false witnesses rise up against me,
spouting malicious accusations.
13I remain confident of this:
I will see the goodness of the Lord
in the land of the living.
14Wait for the Lord;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the Lord.
I pray as I fall to sleep at night. I pray when I wake up in pain, I pray when I wake because I think I heard one of he kids getting up & I want to know what they are doing. I have not just been praying for a supernatural/miracle healing for myself, but I've been using my prayer book to pray for others who need prayer. I pray for my husband because he's pretty good at fixing things, even things he's not familiar with. This is something he can't fix & I'm quite sure it bothers him terribly & he needs prayer for that. I have said it before & I will say it again. I believe in the power of prayer at any age. Here's a cute & great example for you all.
Back in September when I was picking up Braly from Cross-country practice I had taken Sadie with me. We were listening to the Christian radio station #WPFF in the van when they said that it was prayer time. I always like prayer time and I usually join in agreement and pray whenever it is on. I hush my kids to do the same sometimes too. Well Sadie was the only one in the van & wasn't making any noise and I never said anything to her. But then I heard her babbling while the prayers were being lifted up and when I looked in the rear-view mirror I saw her not only babbling but also holding her hands together to pray. My 17 month old child was lifting up prayers to our faithful Heavenly Father without being told or asked to. She voluntarily did it and I know that He knew exactly what she was saying. Sharing this story reminded me of when Gabby was little. She did something similar when I was changing her diaper. She had clasped her hands together and started babbling. God knows what she said. They are never too young to communicate with God. I am reminded that the bible says “Truly I tell you, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it” (Mark 10:15). I believe that we are to have the faith of a child. Not an unintelligent faith but a faith or dependence of full & complete trust in God. Being a parent has taught me so much that I may not have otherwise learned. I see the way my children depended on me to feed, clothe, change, and love them from the time they entered this world until now. And the trust that they have that Adam & I will care for their every need is amazing. That is the kind of trust & faith we are to have according to Mark 10:15. That is what I keep reminding myself when doubt or fear start to creep in. God is in control and I have to remember that.
Thank you for your continued prayers. You are God's Warriors and he loves you so much!